


The Most Important Tool in a Chef's Arsenal is the Fire Extinguisher

by Elpie (Horribibble)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Actual Kitchen Disaster Dorian, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amateur "Chef" Dorian, Chef Felix, Embedded Images, Humor, M/M, Multimedia, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-07-12 14:39:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7109578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Horribibble/pseuds/Elpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day Dorian Pavus signs up for Pinterest heralds the beginning of virtually all of Felix’s second-hand embarrassment. Because, suddenly, Dorian is under the impression that he can cook.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Begins

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jack_the_giantkiller](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jack_the_giantkiller/gifts), [Malapropian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malapropian/gifts).



> Shout out to all the fantastic bees on tumblr who helped come up with extra questions for Dorian to ask. <3  
> Y'all are wonderful.

 

 

 

 

Dorian :  I’ve had the oven on for an hour now and it’s not getting hot.

Felix : Are you sure it’s on?

Dorian : Yes.

Felix : Send me a picture.

Dorian : (Picture : lit oven)

Felix : You’ve turned on the oven light.

 

 

 

  


 

Dorian : I don’t have any baker’s chocolate. Can I use Kitkats?

Felix : Dorian.

Dorian : I’m going to guess no.

Felix : Dorian.

Dorian : I’ve already taken my pants off.

Felix : Please don’t cook naked.

Felix : If you have to cook naked please don’t TELL ME.

Felix : But please don’t cook naked.

 

  


 

Dorian : Can I replace sugar with salt?

Felix : Do you have a spoon handy?

Felix : I want you to measure out a spoonful of sugar, and then put it in your mouth.

Felix : Sweet, right?

Dorian : Disgustingly so.

Felix : Right, now a spoonful of salt.

Felix : Dorian?

Felix : Dorian, did you really?

Dorian : FUCK YOU

 

 

 

Dorian : How many carrots is too many?

Felix : For what?

Dorian : Just hypothetically. How many is too many?

Felix : I don’t know.

Dorian : What did you pay for so many years of schooling for?

Felix : There was this empty spot on my wall.

Dorian : I’m going to guess twelve.

 

 

 

Dorian : Flaming jello shots y/n?

Felix : N!

Dorian : Hear me out.

Felix : HARD PASS, DORIAN. YOU SAID I GET ONE A WEEK. YOU DO NOT LIGHT GRAIN ALCOHOL ON FIRE IN YOUR HOME.


	2. The Key to Learning is Repetition (Probably)

Felix : And I swear to the Maker, he broke down in tears. 

Felix : I haven’t had this much fun at a dinner party since you left. Bless Thorold.

Dorian : Every day.

Dorian : But speaking of dinner parties.

Dorian : How might one go about removing the burnt taste from food?

Felix : I thought tonight couldn’t get any better mfb

Dorian : Feliiiiiix

Felix : You bin it and order a pizza.

 

 

  


 

 

Dorian : I THAWED IT IN THE MICROWAVE AM I GOING TO DIE?

Felix : Andraste wept, Dorian, you can’t continue doing this if you live by yourself.

Felix : At least save the number for the poison control hotline.

Felix : Dorian?

Dorian : i had to induce vomiting

Dorian : I think I’m okay

Dorian : I miss you

Felix : I hate your father so fucking much.

 

 

  


 

 

Maevaris : Felix tells me you had a rough night.

Maevaris : And I know it’s likely difficult to hear.

Maevaris : I know that you can’t just come back.

Maevaris : But you are so loved, darling boy.

Maevaris : And if you need me to put a hit out on your father, I will do it in a heartbeat.

Dorian : This is going to sound sick.

Dorian : But that helps.

Maevaris : Anything for you, sweet thing.

 

 

  


 

 

Dorian : What is a tsp?

Felix : Dorian do you just not know how to use Google?

Dorian : Any excuse to talk to you, my darling.

Felix : You’re horrid.

Felix : It’s a teaspoon.

Dorian : And a tbsp is a tablespoon.

 

 

  


 

 

Dorian : How many virgins does it take to make the olive oil extra virgin?

Felix : Go to bed.

Dorian : This is a legitimate question.

Felix : You are a legitimate dingus.

Dorian : You can’t even pretend you don’t relish the opportunity to show this to Mae.

Felix : She says it depends on whether they’ve been ordained by the Chantry.

Dorian : Wouldn’t that just make it taste bad?


	3. Important Questions

 

Dorian : I spent twenty minutes in the dairy aisle trying to figure out which cream was the heaviest.

Felix : You what

Dorian :The containers of cream with the spray tops.

Dorian : ‘Redi Whip’ isn’t that charming

Felix : You hand-weighed containers of whipped cream

Dorian : Yes

Felix : To figure out which one was

Felix : heavy cream

Felix : no

 

 

Dorian : How do I know when the water is boiling?

Dorian : Do I need to use the thermometer?

Felix : Look for bubbles.

Dorian : It’s an instant read.

Felix : In the WATER, Dorian.

 

 

Dorian : What happens when jello goes bad?

Felix : How long have you had the jello?

Dorian : I only use mix.

Dorian : I was just wondering.

Dorian : Does it become fruit juice?

Dorian : Grow mold?

Dorian : Attain sentience?

Felix : Why do you need to know this?

Dorian : I’ve been wondering for a week and it’s starting to get to me.

Felix : ‘Starting’

Felix : I’ll ask Mae. Her kids eat the stuff.

Felix : I’ll let you know when she stops laughing.

Dorian : Please do.

 

 

Dorian : I’ve got twenty minutes before work but I NEED THESE COOKIES, Felix.

Felix : Why did you start baking knowing you’d need to go to work?

Dorian : NEED

Felix : What do you want ME to do?

Dorian : Can I just cook them for 5 min at 500.

Felix : No Dorian

Felix : Dorian you could set something on fire

Felix : Dorian you WILL set something on fire

Dorian : It took me two months to master chain lightning and I made it in the microwave in under a minute.

Felix : YOU DID WHAT

Felix : DORIAN WHY

Dorian : I was microwaving a bag of chocolate.

Dorian : One of my coworkers gave me the most adorable little kit.

Dorian : Chocolate lollis, Felix.

Felix : Dorian that literally only happens when

Felix : You microwaved metal


	4. The Challenge

 

 

 

 

Felix : I haven’t heard from you in three days and I’m worried.

Felix : Mae made a crack about you getting carried off by a knight on a white horse.

Felix : But now she’s worried too.

Dorian : U vying vu bands

Felix : What?

Dorian : “i burnt my hands”   sorry this is cullen

Felix : Who’s Cullen?

Dorian : A coworker. I think we’re probably friends. Hello! But he burnt his hands.

Felix : HOW

Dorian : He doesn’t own oven mitts, apparently. He’s been using out of season jeans.

Felix : Are you shitting me?

Dorian : That’s what I said! We’re picking up a pair of oven mitts after work today.

Dorian : The most embarrassing I can find.

Felix : Send a picture, would you?

Felix : I have to show Mae.

Dorian : Certainly.

Dorian : O gawr yog.

 

 

 

 Felix : Mae says hello. The ‘dipshit’ was implied.

Dorian : I don’t understand why no one believes in me.

Felix : Bc you set water on fire.

Dorian : It was an experiment

Felix : IT WAS BOXED MACARONI

Dorian : I’m going to cook you under the table, you pretentious ass.

Felix : You bought a fire extinguisher like I told you?

Dorian : Yes.

Felix : Please proceed.

Dorian : What was that delightful dish you made for my birthday?

Felix : Dorian no.

Dorian : No what?!

Felix : Please start with something basic. Please.

Dorian : I am not a ‘basic’ man.

Dorian : Felix?

Dorian : F e e e e l i x ?

 

 

 

Maevaris :All I know is that if I have to watch this film once more I’m going to hunt down the bastard tic tacs and BURN THEM.

Dorian : The hero Thedas needs.

Maevaris :He threw his phone.

Dorian : Why?

Maevaris :Because he spent years in culinary studies and you’re giving him an aneurysm.

Dorian : I’m not implying that he’s not skilled.

Maevaris :No, dear. We know you appreciate him.

Maevaris :You inhale everything he cooks.

Dorian : Exactly! That’s why I want to try to make this dish!

Maevaris :It was beef wellington.

 

-

 

“ _Why would you tell him?_ ” Felix wheezes, face turning a rather unflattering shade of red.

“His life is my soap opera.”


	5. A Challenger Approaches! (If You Know What I Mean...)

 

Dorian takes deep breaths as he pushes his cart around the aisle’s endcap, staring down at the price tag on the plastic wrap.

$23.99 for _one pound_ of meat.

He’s not exactly ventured long into the realms of home cooking, but he’s fairly certain that meat should not cost $23.99 a pound. The price tag on the prosciutto he’d received from the deli counter, while pricy, had seemed justified considering the curing process, but this…

He could go out and kill a cow himself for less.

 _Should I put it back?_ He wonders, for a moment, before his cart slams into another hapless shopper’s. The handle jams right into his gut.  

“My apologies.” He coughs.

“No harm done.” A big, warm hand pats him lightly on the back, and Dorian blinks up into the eyes— _eye—_ of the largest qunari he’s ever seen, including several porn actors. He does _not_ blush at the realization. “You alright, big guy?”

“I’ve had worse. I’m sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

“Looks like you’re a man on a mission.” The qunari looks over the contents of his cart, from the main buggy to the child seat, where the overpriced cut of meat is cradled like a precious infant in his coat. “Did you...swaddle your tenderloin?”

All right, _now_ he’s blushing.

“Don’t you?”

The bigger man blinks at him before a wide grin blooms across his face. “Can’t say I ever have. Making something special?”

_I’d better be, with the chunk it’s taking out of my wallet._

“You might say that.”

“Ah. Dinner with the girlfriend, then.”

“Maker, no.”

“Boyfriend?”

“Are you trying to hit on me, or is this a hobby of yours?”

“Little bit of both. So?”

“No boyfriend. Just me, unless you’d care to join me.”

Nice.

His social life has just barely skirted _abysmal_ since he moved to the south, and when he finally decides to flirt, it’s over groceries with a qunari who could easily bench press him _and_ his cart. Let it never be said that he doesn’t have a type.

“That depends on what’s for dinner.”

“Beef Wellington, if I’ve anything to say about it.”

“Sounds fantastic. I haven’t made that in forever.”

“Oh? Is it a favorite of yours, then?”

“It’s hard to pick a favorite in my line of work, but I’d definitely call it a treat.”

“What is it that you do, exactly?”

“I’m a chef.”

“Oh!” Dorian says.

 ** _Oh shit,_** Dorian thinks.

He spends nearly $50 on meat.

 


	6. Immoral Support

 

Dorian : I have a date.

Felix : CONGRATULATIONS

Felix : You’ve been whining about going unfucked for WEEKS.

Dorian : Fuck you.

Dorian : But also help.

Felix : Um?

Dorian : He thinks I can cook.

Felix : Why?

Dorian : Because I may have led him to believe that I can cook.

Felix : Of course you did.

Dorian : I wasn’t even pretending, all right?

Dorian : But he figured out I was cooking beef wellington

Dorian : And he said it was his favorite!

Dorian : He’s a CHEF Felix

Dorian : And he’s HOT

Dorian : And he’s going to think I’m an idiot

Felix : You ARE an idiot!

Felix : And any chef who says beef wellington is his favorite is…

Felix : Exactly the sort of pretentious asshole you go in for, actually.

 

 

Maevaris :Valeria says hello. Tacitus can’t be bothered to take his thumb from his mouth.

Dorian : Give them kisses for me.

Maevaris :I’ve given them awful lipstick stains on your behalf.

Dorian : Bless.

Maevaris : Did you really ask Felix to teach you how to cook beef wellington over Skype?

Maevaris : Sweetheart.

 

-

 

Maevaris Tilani says ‘sweetheart’ the way everyone else says ‘you fucking idiot.’


	7. The Moral Compass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barring any bonus content that may be added later, this is the end of this fic! 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's been super patient with me, and left such nice comments. <3
> 
> (You should come hang out with us in the Assquisition chat. <3)

Bull shows up at his door with a bouquet of fantastic-smelling flowers and a wide grin. He hasn’t gotten any less attractive, but Dorian’s stomach is still trying its best to escape through his feet.

“In the interest of honesty…” He begins.

Bull’s smile turns less flirtatious and more sympathetic. “Didn’t turn out so well?”

“Not even slightly. I was going to keep trying, I really was, but if I’d done too much more I fear you’d have to share me with the local firemen.”

Bull laughs.

“You think it’s funny, but this is actually humiliating. I just wasted fifty dollars worth of meat and made an ass of myself.”

“But you’re a cute ass. You wanna let me take a stab at it, see if I can salvage something?”

They end up spending the evening snuggled up on Dorian’s couch, watching crappy soap operas and eating the most expensive steak sandwiches Dorian has ever tasted.

They’re delicious.

-

“I’m sorry I lied.”

“You didn’t really lie. You just didn’t mention that you had no clue what you were doing.”

Dorian smacks Bull on the arm, but the man just laughs.

“It’s cute that you were so determined to impress me, but next time maybe I should do the cooking?”

“Felix keeps telling me I should leave things to the professionals.”

Bull frowns. “That’s harsh.”

“Still accurate.”

“Hey, no. None of that. You just need lessons.”

“You think Felix hasn’t tried?”

“He didn’t give reward orgasms.”

“My aren’t we forward?”

“What can I say? My moral compass is somewhere between my dick and my stomach.”

“Mm. A match made in heaven.”

-

 

  


 

 

Krempuff

Krem : just remember to take your antacids this time

Krem : your boyfriend ‘winging it’ in the kitchen sounds like an ep of a gordon ramsay show just saying

Krem :  what is he even cooking??

Bull : choppy somethin

Krem : the fuck

Bull : it’s a soup?

Krem : CIOPPINO?

Bull : i’m gonna say yes?

Krem : if you don’t bring back leftovers YOU ARE DEAD TO ME

Bull : holy shit

 

  


 

 

Bull : it looks like the ocean threw up in the pot

Bull : everything smells like fish

Bull : he says he’s been working on this all day

Krem : you remember that fancy orlesian soup?

Bull : bouillabaisse?

Krem : it’s like that but with actual fucking seasoning

Bull : bad news. I’m dead to you.

Bull : and we’re never getting rid of Dorian

Bull : so sayeth the moral compass

Krem : uggggggghhhhhh

 

 

 

 

Pavass

Dorian : Shhhh I snuck some into a container for you

Dorian : I hid it behind the lettuce

Krem : I’m changing your name in my phone.

Krem : <3 <3 <3

Dorian : *smooch emoji*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone worried about food waste--Bull salvaged most of the meat.  
> I promise.


End file.
